Chapter 3: I am {Past-or/Present-or}

Disclaimer: i do not own this pic.

I love this pic.

It reminds me of my little sister.

She is currently a fellow in a local hospital.

Why am i suddenly reminiscing about my little sister?

Why not?

Don’t you?

Don’t we?

Feeling kind of fuzzy inside? Or feeling kind of uncomfortable?

Does it matter?

Yes and no.

We put weight and importance on what we deem worthy of our attention and care. We put it on a pedestal and and take really good care of it. It maybe anything in our life, be it relationship, wealth, job, material things, aspiration, inspiration, our self or anything else.

But what happens if the thing or person that we value is taken away?

Be it by disease, financial difficulty, natural disaster and whatnot?

Everybody, i believe has went through such experiences in varying degree. Some loss are not really felt as it is easily replaceable to a certain degree and some loss are devastating.

LOSING

This kind of retrospect thinking only happens when a person goes through a happening that either shakes his/her core in which the thing/value/person is being compromised. Mine came in a sudden lost of two persons in my life. The first blow was my nephew, who was much, much younger than myself. The sudden news caught me by surprise. At that time the feeling hasn’t really settle in, yet another blow came from nowhere when mum called and informed of the loss of my dear uncle who passed away in Indonesia, in the middle of completing his study.

It took me a while to compute what is actually happening.

This was a new sensation that i was never aware before. Did think about it in the past of how would it feel, how to respond, trying to condition the mind to cope and such. But as it actually happens, nobody could be totally prepared. It was some of the hardest hits to the emotions on a personal level. For the first time in my life, the fragility of one’s existence was felt in a degree like never before.

Like ripples, it resonates on many areas but will eventually subside. There was once a friend who said, “sometimes life gives you a ton of shit. They said throw lemons make lemon juice, if shit la? How? Shit pie?” Why i am bringing this up, is due to an accident i got myself in reminiscing both of the recently passed. I thank God the person who got hit by me was alright, but her car is surely not. Was on the way to a seminar but guess i am not going. Made my friend, Kier, attend the seminar on our behalf and decided to properly settle.the matter.

Why?

Why settle it? 

You are very foolish Josh! 

You could have just disappear. 

She was totally in shock that she froze in the driver’s seat. I got out of the car, got ready for any kind of scuffle, primed my mind and found out she was paralyzed by shock. She looked at me and i can see fear in her eyes for i might have dressed a little like the typical bad person persona. Lean on her window and asked politely,

“Are you alright?”

She nodded.

“Hi, my name is Josh. I am attending a seminar not far from here. Do you have a phone? I’ll give you my number.”

She was still in shock, get a grip on herself and looked for her phone. I gave her my full name and number.

“You can look for me here (pointing to the place where the seminar is held), ask for my name and they will bring me to you.”

She slowly recovered and started to respond.

“I am a vet, and have just recently opened my animal clinic not far from here. So i can look for you there? Ok.”

I can see her panicking and wanting to leave the area as fast as possible. Probably out of fear that i might harm her or have ulterior motives. On an honest note, i would have done the same thing. Trust is such a rare commodity these days.

She tries to start her car and it came to life. I let out a relieved sigh. Atleast the car could move. Numbers start to crank up in my mind, calculating the amount of cash needed and who should i call and whatnot. Stress amd weariness starts getting to me.

Looked to the seminar venue and guessed kier has made it. Took my phone and sent a whatsapp chat to the seminar committee for good measure informing i was involved in an accident and settling things.

The the strangest thought came to my mind.

Hey Josh, you guess the people at the seminar might wanna help you? Lend you a hand?

Want to try asking?

I actually smiled and shrugged a little. Scoffed it off and made my mind up.

I Am A Man.

So, I Should Act Like A Man.

I am going to be responsible for the things i have did.

So, i grabbed my heart and let it lead me while saying a prayer. And got it done. The next part will only be a drag to tell, but if you want to hear the whole story just because, do pm and on the next chapter i’ll finish it properly.

So, what does deciding to be a man means to me?

What significance does it holds that i am putting it in this particular chapter? Because some ripples keep going on, creating echos as they hit solid matter.

I hit a few solids, hard.

The storm that i thought has ended, actually ended me.

And i am actually struggling to cope with that fact. I have decided to be a man and take responsibilities but i had a hiccup on this matter. So here i am, feeling lost, broken, angry, sad, mixed, happy and all. It is not easy. It doesn’t look like those scene in movies nor can it be skipped, seeking for a more happy and manageable scene.

Slowly, the emotions dies down. All the panic, worries, fears, all those emotions dissipates like evaporated water on a very hot summer. Numb, and the mind moving fast trying to find the most efficient way possible as my limited brain could, to pay off the debt and make sense of what happened and what would my next move be.

*Lost Deep In Thought*

*Painful Tightening Feeling Of The Heart*

*Desperation Creeps In*

*Numbness*

*Sorrowful Tears And Woeful Moans Of Defeat*

*Accusations To Self By Self*

*-There Must Be More Than This- Feeling Rising*

*Realization*

With eyes puffed up due to crying and sleep deprivation, hazy sights and the brain feels like it has been through physical pounding from mindless overthinking and pushing the brain capacity beyond the knowledge it stored, body slumped on the floor, refusing to move, begin to come to realization.

I am responsible for my own life. All of them. The amazing, the good, the average, the not so good, the ok-la, the lame, the WHAT!, the bad and the downright *******.

It was, is and will always be, on ME.

Time to get up and do what needs to be done. Time to, #TTFUBC. Yes, failure is still possible. Depression can happen at any time, but the guilt, the REGRET of not doing anything, that scare me more than anything.

Enough of all this negativity.

Time to act.

I acknowledge reality, but i also acknowledge the optimism of the future.

See you all, be patient and work at it. As Mr Zig always say,

“See you at the top.”

Cheers.

#TTFUBC     #FMFYFE

Chapter 2: Unsettling Feelings and Emotions

Sometimes i wonder, if it’s easier to put one’s trust in what’s being thought and compiled as a study or start a personal journey of discovery. Feelings of self loath for not being able to come to a proper conclusion collides violently with the calm and collected commonsense of whatnot after little efforts in reading available literature concerning the matter.

Sometimes it feels like falling down into a bottomless chasm and as light begins to fade, the unrelenting darkness envelopes one’s being so wholesomely, choking away every available senses known to man. In desperation, holding out our hands as far as it could extend, hoping, praying that it will catch upon anything to halt the violent fall.

In all honesty, will any effort be sufficient?

Will any answers, derived from facts, knowledge, thoughts based upon axioms that started as a hypothesis, countless generations of study and refinement, traditions, personal experience, mysticism and whatever else satisfy us?

Satisfy that certain chasm that exist in our very conscience?

My mum once told me, “ignorance is bliss.” I now agree with her wholeheartedly. But as i ponder upon the point of being blissfully ignorant, a particular verse came into mind in which expressed a totally paradox of being ignorant; “The truth shall set you free.”

BOOM!

The informed VS the ignorant? Or the one who’s informed and confronts while coming to a certain conclusion and fears not to change what he believes as truth begins to illuminate against someone who knows but chooses to ignore and be comfortable with reachable truths?

Who knows?

The more i ponder upon these things, i begin to realize few facts i believe is universal but at times gets drown by the mass of informative flow of thoughts; in a book, internet and many other mediums these days.

The truth is to simply acknowledge that there will be certain questions that will remain unanswered within our generation and the held truth that once held so supreme will one day be put into question, interrogated mercilessly with regards to it’s now antiquity ideas but acknowledging the need to surpass the once overbearing tenants.

Are you afraid?

So am i.

My mind resist any kind of change for the familiar feels very comfortable, predictable and quantifiable. We have a benchmark in which to gauge our achievement and acknowledge the significance of our accomplishment.

But as Tony Robbins put it, the real source of satisfaction is “GROWTH”.

Growth is measureable for we have a point of reference to compare where we were and where we are now. But it contains a sense of mystery in which the future is uncharted. Is is totally an adventure in every sense. Fear of the unknown mixed with excitement of exploration. Dread of being powerless in unexpected events clashes with the feeling of joy of truimph against all odds.

Whatever or wherever we may be, i wish the best for all of us. May your axioms grow with you.

Peace be to you and your beloved.

Chapter 1: Woke up to a terrible storm

Have you ever felt that morning sickness? A sickness that grabs you by the crook of your willpower and just sucks all desire to live? That all of a sudden, gravity became a powerful curse cast upon you and all attempt to awake or even to open thine eyes becomes a major battle?

Well, that’s how i felt up till recently. It was as if a sudden storm just descend and all hopes were spirited away with every crushing wind that hits.

It somehow reminds me of a childhood experience while flying a kite on a stormy day. Attached to no more than a long thin string, and not forgeting the kite itself; flimsly built, thin frames and light as heck, you know, we know, that it’s going to be a rough ride.

Well, honestly, (sweating profusely) it’s because it’s a storm that was actually brewing for sometime.

It was actually my own fault.

Well, more of an accumulation of my own personal actions.. One would best describe it as the consequences of my own actions. A deliberate action will always have a definite response.

Hahahaha..

I am laughing and i think i am losing it. (Laughing like Jared Leto from the movie “suicide squad”)

Yeahhh.. Self realization and all.. Hahahahaha.. (^o^)

I have my own set of reasoning to why i did what i did and to what end am i trying to bring it. Ofcourse, it might not be a pretty sight with the upcoming aftermath but mehhhhhh.. It’s a done deal.

I am not here to wallow in what has been done but to help others who’s going through the same situation or somewhat similar that they are not alone.

Cause believe me, it can get real lonely at times. Especially if trust is an issue.

I wish i had Ash’s heart who choose to believe even when he gets betrayed time and time again. (Pokeball falls on the floor) i guess i need a pikachu. Hahahaha..

Pika, Pika?

Or a dog dressed like a pikachu?

Wakhahahahahahahaha..

Anyways, life will throw you lemons, you’ll purposely dive into a sea of lemons, you planned to make them into lemonades but ended up having;

Tequila on the rocks, salt on one hand and a slice of lemon on the other.

Wake up to find yourself in strange places and in the company of people you swore to avoid like a plauge and getting the most decent suprise?

You appreciate their company so much you keep coming back.

I have learned that when a storm hits, there will be debris, s**t, tons of more s**t and a shock! To quote a wise man that said,

Nothing educates us like a shock.  ~David Gold

And this my friends, this shock, is the real deal.. It’s the deal breaker.. It makes the day or break the way..

I want you to pay close attention to these words;

It’s the deal breaker. It makes the day or break the way.

Why we ask, does this shock defines us?

It’s not so much as the shock that defines us but our personal response as it charters our way forward, backwards and places we dare not mention..

As we begin to relise this storm that we are in, as we actually start to take a good look around, at ourselves and within ourselves, the answers are right there.. Muddled in smudge, beyond comperhension or just completely ignored..

But it is within a storm, i believe only in and through a storm of whatnot’s’ can we become more, so much more that who we once think we ought and should be..

Ending on a high note, i’ll leave you with a quote from yours truly..

“…When you have an amazing day, great! But when it breaks, EVEN BETTER! Good guys only finish last because they are confused of what being nice is. People keep on saying, find the race, i say give the race meaning and finish it with your head held high and march at a steady pace…”

-Joshua N. Baru

Fin.

Come as they may

Come as they may

It comes at times like a rushing wind. Forceful, wild, passionate, energetic.

Sometimes as mellow as a peaceful stream. Calm, deep, restful, peaceful.

Most of the time, it passes us by without us even noticing till we realize that it’s now beyond our reach. Wait, did something just passed me by?

But that’s just on a personal level of thought. Some might even beg to differ. Like a lover and his beloved, each person’s stories differ from the next. *starts to stare off into the great beyond*

Get yourself together! Dang it! Sorry, a habit of mine which i daresay has hindered myself to actually write anything meaningful. Getting back to the blog entry. *claps in excitement*

For myself, as i am masterfully *self doubt creeping in* crafting these jumble of words trying to bring it together into a full blown blog entry, i begin to see different facets of thought emerging as the keypads work it’s magic, translating from a physical keyboard into structured words on the computer screen.

From those unfiltered and most of the time audacious thoughts, i hereby with all sincerity titled my first blog entry as ”Come as they may”.

WoW!

I actually feel like i am Ash from the Pokemon franchise setting of with Pikachu. To those who do not know who Ash or Pokemon, i beseech thee to ask our ever knowing search engines that holds the secrets and wonders of Pokemon and it’s lore. *where did i stash my pokeballs? Hmmm..*

Well, i am off to look for my pokeballs so stay tune for my next entry as i deliberate more about those thoughts later on.

Well, till the next post! See ya!