Disclaimer: i do not own this pic.
I love this pic.
It reminds me of my little sister.
She is currently a fellow in a local hospital.
Why am i suddenly reminiscing about my little sister?
Feeling kind of fuzzy inside? Or feeling kind of uncomfortable?
Does it matter?
Yes and no.
We put weight and importance on what we deem worthy of our attention and care. We put it on a pedestal and and take really good care of it. It maybe anything in our life, be it relationship, wealth, job, material things, aspiration, inspiration, our self or anything else.
But what happens if the thing or person that we value is taken away?
Be it by disease, financial difficulty, natural disaster and whatnot?
Everybody, i believe has went through such experiences in varying degree. Some loss are not really felt as it is easily replaceable to a certain degree and some loss are devastating.
This kind of retrospect thinking only happens when a person goes through a happening that either shakes his/her core in which the thing/value/person is being compromised. Mine came in a sudden lost of two persons in my life. The first blow was my nephew, who was much, much younger than myself. The sudden news caught me by surprise. At that time the feeling hasn’t really settle in, yet another blow came from nowhere when mum called and informed of the loss of my dear uncle who passed away in Indonesia, in the middle of completing his study.
It took me a while to compute what is actually happening.
This was a new sensation that i was never aware before. Did think about it in the past of how would it feel, how to respond, trying to condition the mind to cope and such. But as it actually happens, nobody could be totally prepared. It was some of the hardest hits to the emotions on a personal level. For the first time in my life, the fragility of one’s existence was felt in a degree like never before.
Like ripples, it resonates on many areas but will eventually subside. There was once a friend who said, “sometimes life gives you a ton of shit. They said throw lemons make lemon juice, if shit la? How? Shit pie?” Why i am bringing this up, is due to an accident i got myself in reminiscing both of the recently passed. I thank God the person who got hit by me was alright, but her car is surely not. Was on the way to a seminar but guess i am not going. Made my friend, Kier, attend the seminar on our behalf and decided to properly settle.the matter.
Why settle it?
You are very foolish Josh!
You could have just disappear.
She was totally in shock that she froze in the driver’s seat. I got out of the car, got ready for any kind of scuffle, primed my mind and found out she was paralyzed by shock. She looked at me and i can see fear in her eyes for i might have dressed a little like the typical bad person persona. Lean on her window and asked politely,
“Are you alright?”
“Hi, my name is Josh. I am attending a seminar not far from here. Do you have a phone? I’ll give you my number.”
She was still in shock, get a grip on herself and looked for her phone. I gave her my full name and number.
“You can look for me here (pointing to the place where the seminar is held), ask for my name and they will bring me to you.”
She slowly recovered and started to respond.
“I am a vet, and have just recently opened my animal clinic not far from here. So i can look for you there? Ok.”
I can see her panicking and wanting to leave the area as fast as possible. Probably out of fear that i might harm her or have ulterior motives. On an honest note, i would have done the same thing. Trust is such a rare commodity these days.
She tries to start her car and it came to life. I let out a relieved sigh. Atleast the car could move. Numbers start to crank up in my mind, calculating the amount of cash needed and who should i call and whatnot. Stress amd weariness starts getting to me.
Looked to the seminar venue and guessed kier has made it. Took my phone and sent a whatsapp chat to the seminar committee for good measure informing i was involved in an accident and settling things.
The the strangest thought came to my mind.
Hey Josh, you guess the people at the seminar might wanna help you? Lend you a hand?
Want to try asking?
I actually smiled and shrugged a little. Scoffed it off and made my mind up.
I Am A Man.
So, I Should Act Like A Man.
I am going to be responsible for the things i have did.
So, i grabbed my heart and let it lead me while saying a prayer. And got it done. The next part will only be a drag to tell, but if you want to hear the whole story just because, do pm and on the next chapter i’ll finish it properly.
So, what does deciding to be a man means to me?
What significance does it holds that i am putting it in this particular chapter? Because some ripples keep going on, creating echos as they hit solid matter.
I hit a few solids, hard.
The storm that i thought has ended, actually ended me.
And i am actually struggling to cope with that fact. I have decided to be a man and take responsibilities but i had a hiccup on this matter. So here i am, feeling lost, broken, angry, sad, mixed, happy and all. It is not easy. It doesn’t look like those scene in movies nor can it be skipped, seeking for a more happy and manageable scene.
Slowly, the emotions dies down. All the panic, worries, fears, all those emotions dissipates like evaporated water on a very hot summer. Numb, and the mind moving fast trying to find the most efficient way possible as my limited brain could, to pay off the debt and make sense of what happened and what would my next move be.
*Lost Deep In Thought*
*Painful Tightening Feeling Of The Heart*
*Desperation Creeps In*
*Sorrowful Tears And Woeful Moans Of Defeat*
*Accusations To Self By Self*
*-There Must Be More Than This- Feeling Rising*
With eyes puffed up due to crying and sleep deprivation, hazy sights and the brain feels like it has been through physical pounding from mindless overthinking and pushing the brain capacity beyond the knowledge it stored, body slumped on the floor, refusing to move, begin to come to realization.
I am responsible for my own life. All of them. The amazing, the good, the average, the not so good, the ok-la, the lame, the WHAT!, the bad and the downright *******.
It was, is and will always be, on ME.
Time to get up and do what needs to be done. Time to, #TTFUBC. Yes, failure is still possible. Depression can happen at any time, but the guilt, the REGRET of not doing anything, that scare me more than anything.
Enough of all this negativity.
Time to act.
I acknowledge reality, but i also acknowledge the optimism of the future.
See you all, be patient and work at it. As Mr Zig always say,
“See you at the top.”